There was a point in my life during my mid 20’s where all that can be said about me was that I was totally reckless. I seemed to care nothing for my life in those days, which is so strange now for me to recall. I used to love pushing the boundaries and ‘testing’ the ‘forces’ that may be, and there was this sense of ‘invincibility’ about me, because (most of the time) I had discovered that at the very least, the experience that I was ‘pushing’ made for a great story to recount to my friends, if nothing more, and it sometimes felt like it was always meant to be this way, and that ‘the universe’ actually approved of my behaviour (remember, I was a new ager at that time). Oftentimes, there was a spiritual life lesson to the outcome as well, confirming to me that I was doing a good thing and thereby causing me to become more and more reckless with my life as time went by.

Yet, those reasons are the very few positives to take from being like this, for I now know that I was driven from within by unseen evil forces that wanted my demise, and it’s only by the grace of God that I came through all those reckless experiences ‘unscathed’. I actually had many run-ins with death over the years, very nearly meeting my Maker on many occasions (and it’s scary to think I would have met Him in His eternal wrath, for I was not born again of the Spirit back then). Apart from being mugged a couple of times, or car accidents I was involved in etc, there was some hard drug usage at parties (one can never be 100% sure if what one is taking is ‘pure’ enough not to cause great damage), and going to some very dangerous places on my travels around the world (often whilst searching for marijuana in whatever new place). I also had a few ‘adrenaline junkie’ experiences as a scuba diver or snorkeler where I really had to tell myself beforehand that I didn’t care about my life in order to go ahead with it, because I knew I’d literally be getting myself in to ‘deep water’. Sure enough, many of those diving experiences really did change and alter the course of my life, for when confronted with death like that, I can tell you that you actually do value your life after all, in spite of what you’ve been telling yourself!

That value for my life would always be kind of a short lived thought though, for I now recognise that there were other malevolent forces continually at work in me, hounding me, that at the time I was completely unaware of. Shameful to admit now, I could often be found curled up in a ball on my bed in a lot of mental pain and anguish, perhaps dwelling on events that happened to me growing up that were far from the best scenario, or maybe in a stupor of heavy paranoia (i used to suffer from it so badly, I can’t tell you!) my mind would be gnawing over something as simple as a recent conversation that had seemed to have gone badly, or over a situation that I had no control over that had turned for the worse. I would then lay there alone in the literal dark for many hours (even during the day, with the curtains firmly shut), perhaps listening in some stoned haze to Jimi Hendrix or Alice in Chains, feasting on the dark power of the music, fantasising about how I could end it all, and murderously imagining what the backlash might be, whether certain people would finally be sympathetic towards me, and whether I could cause them to feel eternally guilty, thereby getting my eventual revenge. Sometimes this consistent drive for suicide would manifest during a pure rage, when some dreadful event would happen in my life, and in my fury I would sincerely think about slitting my wrists or overdosing on something. Such dark times to recall, and I was truly tormented and plagued as I look back in hindsight.

Sometimes the mental and spiritual pain I was going through seemed so bad, that to end it all would have just been a relief, rather it than being just about revenge or a reason just as sinister. It was in such a scenario that I literally met the Lord Jesus Christ at that fateful psy-trance festival in 2005, for in some ignorant rage and disillusionment, I confess I had (a few days prior to the festival) shaken my fist at the sky in a tearful, stoned, blind rage, on a beautiful summer evening with all the stars out, and given the ultimatum that if ‘He did not reveal Himself to me, I would kill myself’; and let me tell you, I certainly meant it this time, and He knew it. Now, those of you who know the story know that He actually really DID reveal Himself to me, praise the Lord, even on my birthday ( a nice touch!), in spite of my insolence and wickedness, which I shall be forever grateful for; you can get the whole testimony here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZLBlUbdZJ4) if you want to know what happened. IN NO WAY I am I recommending this as a way to twist God’s arm to reveal Himself, by the way, but for some strange reason that I don’t really know the answer to, He actually honoured my desperate, ‘end of myself’ searching for the truth ultimatum I gave Him, and I will be forever thankful that He did, because as someone who now believes that people who commit suicide go straight to hell, He has saved me in more ways than just the dying and rising to conquer satan, sin and death.

Many people over the years have accused the Lord Jesus Christ of suicide, because He ‘laid His life down of His own accord’. For example, the band ‘System of a Down’ wrote a song called ‘Chop Suey’ (you may know it, it’s pretty well known), where they dare to accuse Him of ‘self righteous suicide’; it’s a common satanic theme to be honest, for those sorts of people want to paint Him in the worst possible light. In fact, they may also even accuse Christians of doing the same, because they know that we are asked by Jesus to also ‘pick up our crosses and follow Him’, who also says that ‘if we love our lives, we will lose them, but that if we lose them for His sake, we will find them’. It’s sadly very easy for those in darkness to misinterpret what Jesus said and did, and many over the centuries have done so. It has to be said though that rather than some suicidal tendency driving us, as believers we are to SACRIFICIALLY give of ourselves, just as He gave of Himself, like gallant and brave soldiers in battle giving their lives both for the cause and for their comrades or loved ones. I can testify firsthand that desiring to commit suicide is selfish at best, and comes from a heart filled with darkness; but giving one’s life for the cause of His kingdom, perhaps even as a (Christian) martyr, comes from a heart that has been regenerated by the light, and is as far from suicide as the East is from the West. In fact, it is the ultimate expression of love, especially for God, for we ‘love not our lives unto death’ when we are required to stand up for the gospel and defend the cause of God in a world of confusion, misery, pain and darkness. It is also a testimony to the graciousness of the Lord working in our lives, because with our very life we are saying that He is WORTH it all. Giving our lives to Him in this way is to simply give Him our most valuable asset, and He values that immeasurably.

Suicide (usually) is the result of the continual ‘water torture dripping’ of the tempters working on one’s mind. They continually, day after day, hour after hour, feed their temptations into the soul that they are causing to suffer, by stoking the fires of rage, revenge, self pity, and fuelling the fantasy of escaping from the world forever to go on to a ‘better place’. It can even be sold by the tempters to a person as a ‘noble’ thing to do on certain occasions, perhaps giving the illusion that it’s ‘for the best’, that one might be being a burden on family or society, or perhaps (as in some cases in the Old Testament), one would ‘fall on the sword’ when the king has died in battle, thereby giving themselves totally for the cause. Our own culture has generally become so desensitised and removed from the experience of death, that in Europe and other places around the world, there are actual suicide ‘capsules’ or ‘booths’ one can hire, where anyone can easily and painlessly end their existence by paying a fee without the pain and messiness of other tried and tested methods. It’s even been marketed as a dignified way to die, and gives people the option to euthanize themselves if they listen to those evil spirits telling them that they are valueless and a burden to others. Many times though, people want the violence of suicide to be evident in their deaths, because they want to express and manifest the pain they feel to the others they leave behind. I can also testify to that desire, due to wanting the sympathy and revenge. Oh, how wicked are those evil spirits that twist our minds to think such a way!

You must know that if you have ever felt suicidal, that the source of that desire is not from you (as in, the desires of your own soul), for there are nefarious beings in and around us causing those thoughts, just as they do with depression, fear, anxiety and more. God greatly values our lives, and takes great offence when we decide to finally listen to the evil spirits and end it all of our own accord, for we remove from Him HIS rightful power to end our lives when HE is ready to do so. As is so prevalent in our world, we love to remove from God His power over us; by doing so we are saying ‘MY kingdom come, not Yours’. It’s sourced in the ultimate rebelliousness, which is why one runs the (almost certain) risk of being eternally damned by such an action. Let me confess to you all that I’m totally done with this life, in so many ways; if there really was a legal way (in God’s eyes) to end it all and leave earth now, I definitely would take it. Although there is so much beauty around me, in both people and within creation, there is also so much wickedness, ignorance and suffering on earth, that I would much rather be with the Lord, forever in HIS kingdom. The things this life offers me are really no comparison to who I know the Lord is, and the inheritance He has offered those who believe in and follow Him, even unto the death. However, I do not see that desire to leave here and forever be with the Lord as suicidal per se, rather in a strange way it’s the opposite, it’s full of faith in His promises that are yet to come, and a great hope for something way better than this broken, fallen world and all its hidden trappings. It is also a desire to be finally rid of those evil spirits who tempt us, and who work hard to bring about destruction in our lives.

Having now confessed that desire to be rid of earthly life, I want to now encourage you with the reason to continue to live here on earth, as far as I understand it. Well, it’s certainly not solely for pleasure or selfish gain, but instead we are to live as a daily sacrifice unto the Lord, not only to be spiritually refined in the chastising of God’s purifying fires, as He continues to reveal to us the depths of sin and all it’s ghastly consequences to us, and the revelation of our growing in the knowledge of His remedy for sin via the cross, but it’s also to attempt to help others who are still in the darkness discover the delights of personally knowing His Spirit guide us, as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, out into the greener pastures He promises us – but on HIS terms, not our own. What the world offers really is not worth living for (in my opinion), and indeed anyone who loves ‘the world’ does not really love the Father. But those of us who love our heavenly Father will use the remainder of their lives to serve and honour Him in any way they can think of, as we walk through the rest of our time here carefully, trying not to be corrupted by the world, and doing our best to help others when they need it, especially spiritually. I want to encourage anyone out there that you can get deliverance from any evil spirit through the power of Christ, including suicide. I know firsthand, as I have received it!

The Lord is my sole reason for continuing to live here now, to carry out His will as He continually reveals it to me, and to act around my peers and colleagues as though I’m just passing through, on my way to somewhere WAY better. I do not attempt to make my home here in any way, for after all, I’m still just a lone traveller, gradually making my way to the promised land by following the guiding Light.

My life is totally in the Lord’s hands, and there’s no place that I’d rather it would be.