Many might wonder how a well travelled, party-going hedonist, who was involved in almost every other spirituality under the sun at some point during his life, suddenly decided that the hard and narrow road of real Christianity was the right path for him… well, let me provide some insight into it.

Due to a rebelliously natural disposition to push boundaries and test waters, no real limitations (within moral reason) had been placed on me after I had ‘flown the nest’ and escaped parental authority, and as a result I had really had my fill of experiencing most things I thought life had to offer to a young bachelor. In spite of much adventure, and pleasure seeking to its fullest, I had discovered by my mid 20’s that many of the things I had experimented with did not solve a much deeper, nagging spiritual problem within me, and that the problem only seemed to deepen and seem to get more perplexing the further I looked into it. Ironically, there were glimpses during these times of experimentation where I thought “oh! I think I have now found the right path!”, but it confusingly always turned out to be a dead end after a while, and I would end up even more puzzled and feeling really quite lost, a dark emptiness continuing to well up in that ‘secret place’ within me; this was the place where I instinctively actually longed to be filled in, yet whatever it was that could fill it, it still very much eluded me during those days.

My heart had become deeply wounded over the course of early adulthood; girlfriend after girlfriend, comedown after comedown, let down after let down (admittedly, many times because of my own foolishness), anticlimaxes from travelling far and wide to find answers and not finding them; not to mention problems in my selfish attitude towards family and other people who had been close to me at one point… things had become really quite messy for me, and ‘trust’ had become a main issue in my psyche. Of course, I was very good at hiding my inner problems from people in normal waking life (for the most part), for wild parties where one was ‘under the influence’, and visiting new places where one felt anonymous were both well known antidotes to me for such interior despair, and the satiation of the flesh ‘worked’ fairly well on me with a pseudo-positivity and a false joy; for a season at least. But eventually and inevitably, the spiritual crunch time had to come, and one unexpected day at a psy-trance festival in 2005, I had to face up to what I know now to be the concrete and unyielding reality, due to such major spiritual events like this happening in my life from then onward. Understanding and following this new revelation of true reality was actually the complete antithesis of who I had already become, and was the total opposite of how I had come to understand existence so far, as I only understood it from the fruitless soul-seeking mixed with hedonism that I had previously done up to that point. The worldly ideals that I had previously held were now being severely challenged by these fresh spiritual revelations, and the new ideals of sacrifice and self denial had been introduced to me for (seemingly) the first time ever; it was alien to me at the start of the walk, yet it had the ring of truth that resonated deeply within me, which has kept my interested pursuit into it to this day (over 12 years later).

After my ‘conversion’, the more I studied Jesus in the gospels and listened to His Spirit gently speak to me, the more my understanding of the concept of sacrifice grew. One could say that slowly, over the course of time, the cross was being applied by the Spirit deeper and deeper into my own messy life, and the natural disposition towards selfishness and wickedness that I had within me had begun to dwindle, and then was gradually set like flint on to a no-return road of dissipation, unto the desired end of total destruction in me (although it must be noted here that I’m still working out my salvation with fear and trembling). Holiness became more and more sought after now, whereas before the idea of it had totally repelled me. I’ve always said that true humility is simply a continual recognition and application of the actual truth, and for me this was emphasised nowhere clearer than when I now beheld the torturous and blood stained cross of the Christ, for I saw true humility materialised before me there. It had begun to drastically change me (for the better) the more I beheld and contemplated it, for it was in this hopeless act of betrayal and brutal murder that I ironically saw a very real hope for myself, and instinctively recognised that in it was the remedy to the self-realised evil person that I knew I was.

I was deeply aware that in my own strength, I couldn’t scrub away the disgraceful dirt that was permanently stained into the fabric of my soul, for it had stained me irreparably as far as my own efforts were concerned; but in the sacrifice of God I now saw a very unusual strength I had never witnessed or understood before, that I knew held genuine answers; even very early on, I could see the miraculously pure blood of Christ act like a very strong bleach on me, of which there was such a power that it could combat and defeat the immovable blemishes of sin that shamed my soul. Its cleansing properties only intensified as my understanding and faith grew, which inspired me to seek the kingdom of light even deeper as the years rolled on.

When people who don’t understand the crucifixion of Jesus look at the cross ‘logically’ and without spiritual discernment, sadly they only see there failure, weakness and perhaps even a total irrelevance to their own lives thousands of years later. They tend to see a useless waste of life; perhaps a good man dying horribly for no good reason, and nothing more. Contrary to the opinions of 99.9% of even secular scholars and historians, perhaps they even see mythology and lies that should be totally ignored in favour of the so-called ‘good life’ in the now. But to those of us who ‘get’ it, when we examine Calvary we see the absolute power of the divine being manifested into our lowly physical existence, for it is in the death of the incarnation of God where we see unchallenged humility, utter obedience and the truest ideal of love played out and accomplished, amplified for anyone with ears to hear it and hearts to see it.

Because of the revelation graciously bestowed to me since my own intense investigations into the mystical implications of such a wondrous sacrifice, it now seems obvious to me that people who are not personally identifying with the cross seem to be the number one epidemic disease of this world, and to my mind are therefore the cause of most problems in the world (if not all of them).

Sounds extreme and unfair? Allow me to elaborate.

The way I understand it, everything that is imperfect (and therefore that is in rebellion to God’s holy commands) that each of us do every day of our lives, causes God enormous pain, pain that we may never in fact know the true depth of. I think that it is fair to say that He is extremely sensitive, and because He is perfect, He is very easily offended by evil, however innocuous it may seem to us as hardened sinners. Think about it; the most loving, sympathetic and caring people you know in your own lives are usually also very sensitive, and care must be taken around them in order not to hurt them. You know this is true. How much more so then is the Lord who created all of us, including such delicate souls as those? May I venture to project that it is sin that hardens us from such a sensitivity, that creates an apathy in us and deadens us to the preciousness and fragility of the sacred. Sensitivity and humility come from being close to the heart of God; sin takes us far away from that place. I have discovered that there are real life consequences to all the evil things each of us ever do, no matter how minor or inconsequential we ourselves think it may be, and that it foremostly results in the extreme suffering of God, not to mention other created beings as a byproduct.

To my initial horror, and resulting in a deep, ‘head hanging’ reverence of speechless awe, I discovered (through my studies of the crucifixion and from personal spiritual insight) that these consequences literally play out on the actual physical cross of Christ, as the culmination of humanity’s evils rest intensely with its full weight onto the shoulders of that short, perfect Galilean life, 2000 odd years ago. This perhaps sounds so obvious to anyone who grew up in the church and has heard such a revelation preached from a pulpit countless times (how can such people remain so hard against it if they really understand it?), but to my mind this insight is only really appreciated by very few people in the world; sadly, even those who say they identify with Christianity and feel they even have a mature understanding will often also lack this deep appreciation, simply because it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge and requires one to actually change into something that doesn’t come naturally; maybe even having to sacrifice one’s own life for His sake, should the occasion arise.

Most people tend towards a sort of ‘spiritual obliviousness’ when they feel that they might get away with acting on something that was conceived from the darkness, especially when it’s seemingly without any initial repercussions. It emboldens them into further (and perhaps even habitual) sin, and with that comes the hardening of the heart, until the conscience is seared beyond repair. Imagine then, that those tempting lustful or covetous thoughts that were entertained by you, maybe even unto resulting physical actions, are literally pulverising the fragile human body of the Christ. For in a mystical way, it is US that smash the cruel nails through His precious hands, and lash the lead tipped whip across His back, ripping it open, exposing the ribs. All of this happens with every sinful action that we undertake and agree to, that defies His true way of righteousness. It is WE, the iniquitous, the rebellious, that murder the Son of God with our treasured so-called ‘freedom’ to do as we please, without ever considering the holy and the consequences of denying it. 
It is a common mistake to think that we ourselves wouldn’t shout “crucify Him!”, or hurl other insults or obscenities at Him as He hangs on the cross if we ourselves were in such a position at the time, yet we ARE the Roman soldiers and the leading priests and scribes who put Him there, every time we agree with evil. Every thought, word or deed we do that is contrary to His perfection is literally paid for at the crucifixion with intense suffering at the expense of Jesus, both physically and spiritually.

Because of His transcendent super-nature stemming from eternal omniscience (despite dwelling in a physically limiting and finite body), He already intimately knew what each of us would do in our lives, and yet He still chose to face such hell on our behalf, so that we could have the chance to be freed from the slavery to our worldly master, sin. Therefore, His death bought us true freedom from our servitude to the devil (our prosecutor and accuser), by His own innocent blood. His blood is the currency He pays our bail with to the court’s demand for justice, for the life is in the blood, and there is no greater commodity in the universe; gold or diamonds become rust and rock in the face of such precious value. The severe chastisement upon Him was the method He willingly embraced to personally see us into our undeserved liberation (should we choose to place our faith in Him), for the Judge can legally dismiss our case when the crime has been paid for… and the only payment accepted for such a collective of corporate heinous crimes is the pure and undefiled blood of a truly holy person.

I once had a vision experience during fervent prayer, where the soft carpet I was kneeling on became hard, dry, red dust, studded with small rocks; I was where the relentless Israeli sun mercilessly beat upon my back, and jeering crowds were all around me. I became momentarily aware that I had been spiritually transported to kneeling before the the actual cross of Christ, all those years ago. In this glimpse of eternity, I knew the Son of God could see me humble myself before Him; I dared not even raise my head to look, as His blood dripped steadily from the tip of His toe onto me and mystically washed my heart clean. I could feel that I was under His suffering and bloodied gaze, and that without saying anything, He was requiring me to pick up my own cross and join Him, to be like the thief next to Him who had asked for Jesus to remember him when He came into His kingdom; He was also requiring me to relieve Him of the continuation of the heavy burden of sin that I had already projected on to Him during the course of my previous life, by also suffering for and in the name of pure love. Every aspect of my soul was scrutinised in depth there, causing a holy fear within me that was to last until this day, and beyond, into eternity. I was also aware there were others in a similar position with me, bowing before the King on His eternal throne in the spirit, just as I was. These souls were my true family; I had a spiritual unity with them, for we shared a similar deserved devotion and appreciation. The veil had been lifted from our eyes, and we could truly see, albeit still dimly. We each knew that the closer to the cross we were, the closer to redemption, and the closer to the true, majestic presence of God, that all mankind seek, yet most fail to discover because of their pride. We were united in our reverence, spurred on by our deep recognition for our own unworthiness.

Were you there with me? I hope you were.

Once I was able to articulate what happened there, years later, I wrote a song about it; please take time to have a listen and let the words sink in, even if you have heard it before. It is embedded below.