Like many people, my closest friends over the course of my life have been changing according to the people I am exposed to in my general ambience, and the place I’m at (both physically and spiritually).

But there is also a small contingent of guys that I will always have a measure of contact with, however long it has been, whatever is happening in life. These particular people were a big part of my life as I grew up, and as my tastes changed, the person closest to me changed; for example, my best friend for the first half of secondary school happened to be the son of very committed believers who really loved the Lord, and our relationship was very good for that time; that was until the darkness came over me at about 14 years old and ‘stole’ me away into a dank world of both soft and hard drugs, parties and rock music, with all its idols. We separated from each other as friends over this, growing apart, and he became friends with people I didn’t really want to know (and I expect, vice versa), which kept us at arm’s length from each other for the remainder of school time, despite being in the same class. However, I met up with other like-minded heathens, who quickly became a lot of fun to be around, sharing in my new found tastes for playing heavy rock music and ‘getting hammered’, and ‘going up the field’ with me for a smoke in break times; and in our spare time, joining me on that endless search, together as teens, hungrily looking for a ‘teenth of hashish with the last of my pocket money.

While the first best friend carried on into a relatively pure existence as he matured, getting good grades and probably having a real laugh with the others around him, I became very close to a particular sex-crazed son of hippies, who was also beginning to experiment with me with psychedelics and partying at around the same time, and we quickly became bosom buddies, sharing everything and really enjoying each others company as, under the influence, we played computer games like ‘Scorched Tanks’ and ‘Monkey Island 2′ late into the night at the weekends, drinking a lot of beer and stealing hashish from his parents drawer when we couldn’t find our own. We took pleasure in making smoking contraptions like ‘shotties’ and ‘buckets’ to maximise the hit of the marijuana on us, getting fairly creative with it at times. In a drug fuelled haze, I can honestly say that we became the best of friends (like brothers!), and early on in our relationship we formed a band (in respect to our idol band ‘Nirvana’), and started writing songs together, collectively dreaming that American dream of making it to the big time, whilst playing the common roles of loose cannon degenerate young rock stars.

I think my parents had become very worried about me by this point in my life, for my grades at school plummeted to rock bottom and I became aggressive towards them and distant from them, not realising in myself that I was taking on more and more evil spirits by the day and succumbing to their temptations regularly, in almost every way. My flesh was allowed a free reign, and in hindsight I was a total slave to sin. It literally dictated my life. I remember being asked about whether I still had any sympathy for Christianity by my new heathen best friend (for when I was with my Christian best friend years before, we both went to a summer camp where we both heard a fantastically preached powerful gospel message there, and we both believed in Jesus somewhat after it, but after some mild persecution from a teacher at school over my new found faith, i renounced it – I was the ‘seed in stony places’), and I wickedly said “No, now I have TRIStianity”, which caused a huge uproar of hilarity between both of us. It was evil, but it was also strangely a prophetically true word, for my flesh had indeed become my lord, and I remained a committed disciple to ‘Tristianity’ for many years after, until the life-changing experience at the psy-trance festival with Jesus in the summer of 2005, when He showed me that He really was a reality .

My new heathen best friend was a good looking and charming young man, with great hair, and he easily got the girls he wanted, which seemed so awesome to me; but with my own sexual naivety at that time (apart from a chronic masturbation habit) and my natural coyness and hesitancy around girls I liked, I was (in comparison) a late-comer to the whole sex thing, and it wasn’t until just before university, the summer after I returned from my gap year excursion, that I really properly lost my ‘virginity’ with a local girl after a drunken night at the local nightclub. I mention it because that was partly to do with my contact with this influential guy, who was an inspiration to me in so many other ways too.

The satanic maxim of ‘do what thou wilt’ had become a reality for all of us by then; even though we were unaware of it being an actual satanic doctrine, we still followed it gladly. Our cherished preachers screamed it from their pulpits whenever we went to go and see them play in their bands or listened to their CD’s, and like good disciples, we obeyed them. They were, after all, our idols.

This doctrine I had absorbed as truth was highlighted in no clearer way to me than when I became a real ‘Judas’ for the first time in my life. I was at university by now, and had had another sexual relationship there with a different girl from Greece, who ended up betraying me with a close friend and hurting my feelings a lot. I came home to Devon in the holiday feeling very depressed and with very low self esteem, thinking no one wanted me and that I’d never find love (I was always a seeker of this elusive thing that I knew existed but couldn’t actually find anywhere). My best friend was at that time in a relationship with a fairly pretty local girl, who was the sister of the drummer in our band (he and the drummer had lived together whilst I was away on my gap year, and the drummer’s sister hooked up with him one night, much to the drummer’s disgust). But, their relationship was rocky and perhaps even obviously on it’s last legs by the time I came home from my gap year, and at the same time I had been poisoned against him by someone close to both of us during this time, due to his seeming lack of musical technicality in the band (he was the bassist in our band, and by that time me and the drummer were really into the funky American band ‘Red Hot Chilli Peppers’, who had an amazingly talented bassist that this man could not imitate, which is what we wanted the direction of the band to go in).

I had heard through another so-called ‘friend’, that my heathen best friend’s girl had confided in him that she liked me a lot, and that she was ending the relationship soon with this man (hint hint). Aroused by the fact that someone liked me enough to tell someone fairly close to me about it (oh, how pitiable my lack of confidence seems now; wretched and ignorant man that I was), in my debauched wickedness I fantasised about possibly killing two birds with one stone; firstly taking the girl as mine, and secondly ending the band relationship with this guy because of his lack of ability. I essentially chose sex with her over a friendship with him; a total Judas. I was so, so evil ,and twisted in my thinking; but I’d also like to say in my (very weak) defence, I had been manipulated by someone to think in this poisonous way… not that I’m making any excuse for my behaviour. The fact was, ‘Tristianity’ had become my religion, and seemingly, I was following it with passion.

A strange circumstance happened a few weeks later after that secret conversation in the bar, where my wider group of friends (including my heathen best friend) had all drunkenly broken onto a building site and recklessly stolen a JCB digger for a joy ride. As spectators to the scene, me, my heathen best friend and his girl were close by each other, laughing in an awed thrill at the daring act. Suddenly, a police car handbrake-turned into the site and onto the scene, and we all hurriedly scattered our different ways to escape. Somehow, my friend had run off in a different direction to his girl, and it ended up that I was with her as we ran from the police. We found somewhere to hide and cuddled together in this small space in a hedge behind some metal, as the policeman searched frantically for us (for he had seen where we had ran to), but he didn’t find us in spite of a very close call. It was an erotic moment for both of us, and I felt like some kind of a protector over her, an alpha male claiming his female, which in turn caused me to despise my friend’s weakness of seemingly abandoning her to save his own skin.

A couple of weeks later, she dumped him, and things came to a head. We started to see each other a couple of weeks after that, and he found out quickly. My fantasy had come true. He showed his righteous hostility towards me by throwing a beer over me at the nightclub in his disgust, and he officially left the band that night. The girl and I ended up seeing each other for around a year and a half after that, and to this day it has still been the longest relationship I ever had with a girl, for I think we really did love each other for a while, even if it was (as all my relationships so far have been) initially based on lust.

Regardless, I want this blog to be somewhat focused on him, for something remarkable happened later on with him. A couple of years later of no contact at all with each other, one strange night there were tears of joy from both of us over a drunken reunion in a club, for we reconciled with each other and there was forgiveness and mercy from him. I think we truly missed each other’s presence. I honestly apologised to him, for I guiltily knew that I had done a great crime against him, and in turn he actually thanked me because he had really been stunted by her presence in his life, and after being dumped by both of us, was then liberated to go on his travels and also go to university, no doubt having plenty of other girlfriends (knowing him), whilst finding his feet with the prospect of a lucrative career. We also united again over our mutual love for travel, and we began to enjoy each other’s company again on a regular basis. He came to see (and even stay with) me during my two years in New Zealand a year or so after that, and we ended up living a wild life of parties and women and drugs together there. We had become firm friends again, inseparable, like brothers.

Then, not long after I came home from NZ, I became a firm believer in Christ (because of my festival experience with the Holy Spirit), and I renounced my debauched lifestyle in favour of seeking after holiness and truth. I won’t say it was to the same extent at all, but I think he felt betrayed by me again; for by now I had also reconciled with my first Christian best friend from secondary school, who had once again become a big part of my life (as he was around the scene at the time of my conversion, and he was the only Christian I knew of at that time). There was jealousy going on too, and it highlighted the spiritual war I was in to me in a new way.

We ended up going our separate ways, again, for he initially loathed my faith, and I was nervous to be around him for the fear of the Lord was on me. He is an atheist, you see, and I was now a passionate outspoken believer; the two don’t usually mix too well. But, what he still probably doesn’t realise to this day is that I pray for him whenever I’ve thought about him since becoming a believer, and that I believe God’s hand is on his life somehow, regardless of whether he is aware of that, and regardless of the rebellion he is currently in. I know that it’s true, for God has shown me this, and He was even the one who asked me to write this blog about him. That says something to me. I’m aware that something about my conversion seems genuine to him. A couple of years ago I got the opportunity to explain my full testimony to him of what happened to me, from the festival experience right up until the present day, of which he listened to politely and even seemed quite interested by. The Lord knows that there is a very special place in my heart for this man. Whatever happens in the future, I will always cherish his forgiveness toward me for my evil against him, and I know the Lord respects that of him too.

As Christians, we know there are ‘wheat’ and there are ‘tares’. When they are young, they look the same on the surface, but upon full maturity one of them turns out that it is no good for ‘eating’, and is even poisonous. We only know who the ‘tares’ are at the day of judgement, when both are ‘pulled up from the root’ and all things are revealed.

My earnest prayer is for this particular man, for it was the Lord who asked me to write this blog about him, that through explaining to the world of my evil against him and highlighting my continuing love for him even though we do not see eye to eye spiritually at the moment, that He can be glorified even by an unbeliever’s actions, and by my humiliation.

We are happily currently in a little bit of contact with each other (thankfully), although in honesty I try to keep my distance from him, for he is still very much ‘of the flesh’, and is definitely enough of a distracting temptation for me to lose track with Christ, which I don’t want at ALL. But I believe something uniquely spiritual is happening to him, even without my presence around him, not least because I earnestly pray for him and believe wholeheartedly in that power.

I hope you will all join me in prayer, for I’m certain that you who believe in Christ will agree with me when I hope that no one goes to hell, especially not those that I genuinely love and have had so many good (and hard times) with.